Dear Camping...

...I must start by saying experiencing you was one of the most terrifying and disgusting experience I've ever had. You would think a man of my cleanliness caliber would run away screaming to the nearest Holiday Inn, however somehow I managed to filth it up with you.

I found it equally horrifying when you decided to poison the lake with some bacteria that includes 'blue' and 'fungus' in its name. I spent that night wondering if every fart would produce chocolate thunder that would blend nicely with the mud I was laying in. I woke up soiled with soil only, no thanks to you.

The final straw was when the racoons came to visit the site. What should one do in these situations? Most of my more 'environmental' (a.k.a. hippie) friends would state, "Oh, how remarkable to see nature up close!" My thoughts were on how I was going to tear this thing's head off to prove it didn't have rabies once it bit me. Luckly, my racoon sitemate found another adversary in the form of another racoon and decided to brawl with him, leaving me time to scurry away like a bashful three year old and lock myself in the tent. I wish to also note the heroism of my esteemed wife, whom came to my aid with the words 'your screwed' and 'is it rabid?'

Well camping, I will probably never see you again unless my plane breaks up over a seemingly deserted island with weird creatures and something that sounds like a dinosaur and looks like black smoke on it. At least then Evangeline Lilly will keep me company. yum.