Dazed and confused

I hate mid watches. For the unmilitarily familiar, a mid watch occurrs between 6:00 PM and 6:00 AM. The time around 2:00 AM is the hardest for me. I spend the morning sleeping at home. When I awake I become, well, this. I won't remember typing this blog, and when I read it I'll say, uh, what?

Dear Camping...

...I must start by saying experiencing you was one of the most terrifying and disgusting experience I've ever had. You would think a man of my cleanliness caliber would run away screaming to the nearest Holiday Inn, however somehow I managed to filth it up with you.

I found it equally horrifying when you decided to poison the lake with some bacteria that includes 'blue' and 'fungus' in its name. I spent that night wondering if every fart would produce chocolate thunder that would blend nicely with the mud I was laying in. I woke up soiled with soil only, no thanks to you.

The final straw was when the racoons came to visit the site. What should one do in these situations? Most of my more 'environmental' (a.k.a. hippie) friends would state, "Oh, how remarkable to see nature up close!" My thoughts were on how I was going to tear this thing's head off to prove it didn't have rabies once it bit me. Luckly, my racoon sitemate found another adversary in the form of another racoon and decided to brawl with him, leaving me time to scurry away like a bashful three year old and lock myself in the tent. I wish to also note the heroism of my esteemed wife, whom came to my aid with the words 'your screwed' and 'is it rabid?'

Well camping, I will probably never see you again unless my plane breaks up over a seemingly deserted island with weird creatures and something that sounds like a dinosaur and looks like black smoke on it. At least then Evangeline Lilly will keep me company. yum.

Back from Hiatus

Sorry dedicated blog readers! I took a bit of a 'break' and slacked off on my daily rants about life in general. I did this for two reasons:

1. I'm not very dedicated to any of these online post things (call me old fashioned, but I prefer radio silence from time to time).

2. I didn't think any of you really cared (not a depressive statement, I really could care less if you cared).

So, back by popular demand, here I am. Speaking of popular demand, several of you seem to like the idea of changing my blog name to "Captain's Log." This is either in reference to my love of Star Trek, or to my military career. I must point out that my current military rank places me nowhere near the O6 mark, not do I have high ambitions to become one, and also I had always assumed refrences to "Star Trek" on these blogs instantly broke your glasses in the middle and secured them with tape on top of hiking your pants up to your armpits. Nevertheless, I am a puppet to your wishes. If you like it, vote for it!

Stay tuned for further posts guaranteed to insult and offend! Read on readers! Don't try to understand!

tap tap tap tap... huh?

Since when did the computer take over as the new preferred communications medium? When did it become policy to text information rather than simply call the person? When did it become more important to tap tap tap away on your keyboard rather than pay attention to what's going on around you?

So many times my beautiful and talented spouse has texted me a question, came home, and asked for an answer to a question I never recieved. "Don't you check your texts?" is asked to me. Well, considering the pants I wore yesterday still contain my cell-phone and are hap-hazardly lumped on the floor of our bedroom, I'd say no. Is it normal now to carry your cell at all times? If so, Verizon should get off their lazy butts and create a waterproof phone. Never know when I might recieve critical information while I'm washing whats left of my hair.

Oh great and glorious computer! Perveyor of the Facebook and Twitter. Thou art the bringer of vital news and jaywalkers being socked in the face. Why, then, must we pay attentioin to this cruel world around us which lacks a 'post' button! Cruelty! Cruelty is this reality thing that will not update me when my friend in Chicago finds a butterfly that looks like Elvis, or when Tom in Cleveland finds a club that's 'off the hizzle.' I propose to you, oh wise collection of circuits and processors, that you be the one to dictate my day to day operations so I may shut out everything that the harshness of life brings. Therefore, I must go. Jenny posted a pic of her ugly dog on Myspace and said I must check it out, and just now something flashed on the screen offering 20% off something called Extenze. Hmm.... looks like my day is planned!

First time blogger

Ok, so how long before this gets old? Didn't expect that, did you? Well, I'm the type of guy that only takes on tasks that have definate reason, or have the prospect of having an outcome that shines in my favor (and occassionally the favor of others). Currently, I see none of either in blogging.

Some folks may say I'm selfish or self-centered; I just think I'm calculated and precise. Besides, I've been known to drop a few quarters in the Jimmy Fund can at the convience store or take that 'quick' phone survey that last an hour and a half just because the woman at the other end sounded lonely and depressed. Both those things really don't benefit me, but I did them anyway. Point proven.

Anyway, back to blogging. My beautiful wife Crystal, whom I've been married to these past nine years, created a blog on this very website. I decided to give it a try because ranting at my wife all the time became, well, old. This way, I can subject all of you (or just you) to my warped sences of achievement.

My goal for this blog is to shed some light on my innermost workings for my dear friends, and to totally offend the rest of you. If you have typed letters to your congressman stored in you filing cabinet ready to go with the offenders name and type of insult blank, I suggest you close your web browser now and hire someone to get your groceries for you, because not only shouldn't you read my blog, you probably shouldn't venture out into the world for a last minute roll of toilet paper.